Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Profile: Fox Mulder


This started thanks to Moishe, who discovered that David Duchovny once described Mulder as Jewish in an interview given early in the show's existence. Unfortunately, later episodes gave the lie to that particular conception.

I've written one other profile this way -- the Penguin. I guess this is my way of getting my lemming-like urge to write fan fiction out of my system. Trust me, it is MUCH safer this way for everyone involved. Once I realized that I'd be writing the profile this way, I thought I might have to go back and do some research. I used to be a huge X-Files fan but I haven't touched the stuff in over a decade. Instead their voices flowed from my fingers like I'd never left.

A pleasant, almost heart-warming surprise, honestly.

Weird Search: March 31

Let's just get them both out of the way.


Not a Jew.

Sonny Bono.

Not a Jew.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Profile: Winston Churchill


Never understood why the Nazis want Churchill to be Jewish. Roosevelt and Eisenhower as well. I mean, they KICKED THEIR ASS.

Weird Search: March 30


Not a Jew.

Björk's last name is "Guðmundsdóttir". And they say Jewish names are difficult...

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Profile: Liz Cho


In researching this profile, I ran into a number of websites that follow... hot anchorwomen. Not nearly as weird as websites that rate Jews, of course.

Weird Search: March 29

Homer: "Marge, are we Jewish?"
Marge: "No, Homer."
Homer: "Woo hoo!"

Homer Simpson.

Not a Jew.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Profile: Nate Silver


I'm probably the only one who gets the joke for this one, but that's ok—it doesn't take a Google search to figure out that the Internet is all about self-gratification.

If you didn't get it, you can go here to get a better idea of what I'm talking about.

And, if you did and were curious, Nate's fellow BP contributors Kevin Goldstein and Steven Goldman are also Jews.

Weird Search: March 28

No, no, no, please God, no.

Richard Simmons.

Not a Jew.


Thursday, March 26, 2009

Profile: Phoebe Cates


One day, we were trying to figure out who to add to our queue, when Phobe Cates' name came up. And then, that very night, Fast Times at Ridgemont High was playing on cable... I watched it to end. For research purposes only, I assure you.

For the first installment of "Ask Jew or Not Jew", see this profile.

Weird Search: March 26

Rush Limbaugh.

Not a Jew.

That picture is worth 1000 words...

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Profile: Max Kellerman


"At a meeting in Bristol, [Kellerman] loudly told the higher-ups, “Come on. I’m the most talented guy in this whole building.”"[1]

So why is he having so much trouble finding a job?

Weird Search: March 25

Lars Ullrich.

Not a Jew.

Yes, we know the stereotype about hard rock Jews. But someone named Lars? I don't think so.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Profile: Martin Scorsese


Apparently, having a Jewish ex-wife (one of his four, plus one current), gets you profiled on our website. Well, being Martin Scorsese helps.

Weird Search: March 24

Hugo Chavez.

Not a Jew.

But I guess we did profile Fidel Castro and Che Guevara...

Monday, March 23, 2009

Settling the Score: Denny McLain

That'll teach us to do a whole profile about how someone is a complete phony, and then believe them when they say something.

Denny really did say he was Jewish on 660 (The Fan!) WFAN (I have witnesses). The problem is, Denny really isn't Jewish - his cousin was kind enough to clear it up for us (check out the comment here). After doing our regular thorough research (when we say we now have the pictures to prove it, we're not being metaphorical), the true story has come out and the profile, verdict and score have been changed to reflect all that.

Why did he feel the need to make it all up? Maybe he was just looking for a little love on the world's most popular Jewish-rating web site.

OK, probably not.

Profile: Reggie White


I was wrestling with the K Score a lot here. On one hand, an NFL Hall of Famer. On the other hand... just read some of his quotes.

Weird Search: March 23

"It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don't even exercise."

No Jew has ever uttered that phrase. Well, the first part.

Andre the Giant.

Not a Jew.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Profile: Jean-Paul Sartre


In researching this profile, we found that that Sartre called Che Guevara the "era's most perfect man." Hmmm.

Weird Search: March 22

The most Christian fictional character... Ever?

Ned Flanders.

Not a Jew.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Profile: Michael Rapaport


My brother suggested this one... four months ago. So, dear readers, please don't complain when it takes us a while to write about your requests. We're trying our best to satisfy everyone.

Weird Search: March 21

Jim Carrey.

Not a Jew.

Hmmm. I actually like a lot of stuff he was in. The Truman Show, Eternal Sunshine... But then there's The Majestic. That's just PUTRID.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Profile: Georg Cantor


We've been running a lot of fan requests this week, which is pretty awesome. A sincere thank you to anyone who's ever written in a suggestion (even a weird one). Much of our recent success is thanks to you.

As to Cantor, himself, we have to thank Amy from Alaska for once again suggesting someone who we initially balked at, but then later realized was a really good idea.

Thanks Amy!

Weird Search: March 20

Kevin Garnett.

Not a Jew.

Seriously, people. Kevin Garnett? Come on.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Profile: The Arquette Siblings


Originally, I was gonna make this into three identical profiles... but it was just not worth it.

Thanks to reader Chuck from Maryland for the suggestion.

Weird Search: March 19

Here, we were gonna say, "Jewish female comedians are actually funny", but...

So, let's just say...

Ellen DeGeneres.

Not a Jew.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Profile: Jerry Stiller


I really did see a billboard for Jerry's show while driving down the AC Expressway and came up with the idea for this profile pretty much right there.

But then I thought, no one knows who Jerry Stiller is and, if they do, who really cares?

Thanks to Avi from Amstelveen for proving me wrong!

Weird Search: March 18

Not only is his full name Ralph Nathaniel Twisleton-Wykeham-Fiennes, he pronounces it "Raef". So... what do you think?

Ralph Fiennes.

Not a Jew.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Oh, those meshuggenah goyim! Hospitals

So, Mrs. Yakov is interviewing for a marketing job at a local hospital who shall remain nameless. Being a good interviewee, she asks them about some of the problems they're currently facing.

Well, they say, we're in such a large Jewish community (and believe me, they are), yet we're unable to attract very many Jews to our hospital.

Really? You don't say. Perhaps it's that you're sponsored by the Catholic church (with a super-Catholic name, no less). Or that your building is covered in crosses. Or maybe it's the colossus-sized 3-dimensional recreation of the bleeding-heart Jesus (pictured above) in your lobby. Maybe? You think?

No, you're right, I'm sure it's just a weird coincidence.

Oh, those meshuggenah goyim!

Profile: Sammy Davis Jr.


Sammy was suggested by JONJ reader Vince from California who says, "[it's a] no brainer. Should have been on here ages ago."

And he is correct. Thanks Vince! (and also Patric from Chicago)

Weird Search: March 17

Dennis Rodman.

Not a Jew.

Just be thankful we didn't go with the wedding dress photo.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Profile: Debra Messing


In researching this profile, I attempted to watch her recent movie, "The Wedding Date". Big big big mistake. I think I lasted through five minutes of that dreck before throwing the remote at the TV.

Weird Search: March 16

The one about the world's richest eight Jews living in a bunker in Switzerland, controlling the world's fate? Lies.

The one about Dick Cheney living in a bunker in Washington, controlling the world's fate? All true.

Dick Cheney.

Not a Jew.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Profile: Jordan (Katie Price)


Did A LOT of research for this profile. (Warning: NOT SAFE FOR WORK!)

Weird Search: March 15

Anna Nicole Smith.

Not a Jew.

But for fans of, ummm... ummm... boobs, wait for today's profile.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Profile: Doctor Aybolit


And here's the statue of Zemach Shabad, Dr. Aybolit's prototype, in Vilnius, Lithuania:

Weird Search: March 14

There are a lot of Jewish doctors.

He, however, is not one of them.

Dr. Dre.

Not a Jew.

Friday, March 13, 2009

500 Profiles!

From Chaplin and Lenin to Barbra...

Now, I bet we don't keep up with the profile-a-day thing, but if we do, profile #1000 is slated for July 26, 2010. Mark your calendars!

Profile: Barbra Streisand


Happy 500th Profile JONJ!!!!

Weird Search: March 13

Some Jews love Jesus. But... come on.

Jonas Brothers.

Not a Jew.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Update: Bernie goes to jail

150 years for this jackass. He is 70 now... 70+150=220. Not enough.

Profile: Jack Kirby


Now that we've profiled Jack Kirby, Stan Lee, Neil Gaiman, and Bob Kane, you might think we're reaching the end of comics creator profiles, but, honestly, we're just getting started.

Another great picture find by Moishe - that's a Kirby self portrait staring back at you.

Weird Search: March 12

A while back, we introduced the handy full text search, which might be helpful even if the person is not profiled. So, if you search for today's Weird Search subject, nothing will appear in the top box under "Profiles", but a link to Sheldon Adelson will appear under "Text Search".

Clicking on that link will tell you...

Bill Gates.

Not a Jew.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Profile: Michael Dell


The Dell I bought in 2000 still runs... but that was before they started massive outsourcing. In seven years at my job, I'm on my fourth... or is it fifth. One way or another, Dells always break down. ALWAYS.

Thanks to Rob from New York for the suggestion.

Weird Search: March 11

Muammar Qaddafi.

Not a Jew.

Since I have nothing else to add here, I'm just gonna link to the opening scene from Naked Gun, starring Qaddafi, Idi Amin, the Ayatollah, and others.