Thursday, April 30, 2009

Settling the Score: Toby Flenderson

We learned our lesson... Do not trust Dwight Schrute's Jewdar. On tonight's episode, Toby revealed he attended seminary, obviously making him not Jewish. The profile has been updated with a new ending and score.

Sigh. Do we have to profile Jan Levinson now?

JONJ Does Not Recommend: Outsourcing

Profile: Captain Underpants

A suburban Long Island high school has banned all Halloween costumes after three senior girls showed up last year dressed as the underwear-baring subject of a series of best-selling children's books.

The Captain Underpants costumes were indeed inappropriate, in Restivo's view. The three girls donned beige leotards and nude stockings under white briefs and red capes to portray the superhero, who has battled such foes as talking toilets and the infamous Professor Poopypants.[1]

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Profile: Charles-Valentin Alkan

This is the only other existing photograph of Alkan:

Thanks to Yakov's father for this suggestion.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Update: Specter no longer a RINO

When we profiled Arlen Specter a year ago, we called him a RINO (Republican in Name Only). Well, he is no longer a Republican. Specter is now a Democrat, and, coupled with Norm Coleman's ouster by Al Franken, there are no Republican Jewish Senators left.

Unless you count Joe Lieberman, of course.

Profile: Wade Boggs

I'm pretty sure Moishe chose this picture just to irk me. Not one good one of him in pinstripes, huh? Whatever.

Boggs isn't Jewish, but he's on a short list for creepiest member of the Hall of Fame. So... congrats on that Wade(?)

Monday, April 27, 2009

Profile: Jeff Goldblum

Not a fan of Jurassic Park. Weird, I know. Everyone raved about it back then... It was just... meh. Dinosaurs! Big deal!

Goldblum was suggested by readers Al from California and Nevets from Michigan.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Profile: Pancho Villa

Here's the book that supposedly suggests Villa might have been Jewish...

And here's the supposed trigger finger, for sale in El Paso... WARNING: make sure you haven't recently eaten before clicking on that link.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Update: The end of Mel Gibson's perfect marriage

Shed a tear, Jews around the world. You might have heard that world's most famous anti-semite, Mel Gibson, has broken up with his wife of almost 30 years. Now the details are coming out... Supposedly, Mel's Russian girlfriend (that's her on the left) is pregnant with his child.

Because there was no prenup, the divorce will cost Mel m(b?)illions.

"Life is about love and commitment and screw anyone who thinks that's a cliché." — Mel Gibson

Profile: Taylor Mays

We usually don't profile college athletes... But this was too good to wait until next year.

Thanks to reader Jeff from New York for the suggestion!

Friday, April 24, 2009

Profile: Vince Shlomi

Both Janet from Ohio and Dylan from Mishigas (er, Michigan) sent us suggestions to profile Vince Shlomi. Was it is his amazing sales ability? Or was it this?

Probably the latter, which means Vince joins such illustrious company as Art Shamsky and Eliot Spitzer - perfectly profile-worthy Jews who had to get in a sex scandal before we would write about them.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Profile: John Monash

We're really thankful to all our readers who send suggestions in. Some of them are pretty obscure... But some, like this one, are so interesting in their obscurity that they make a perfect profile.

Thanks, Warren from Perth! And keep those suggestions coming, dear readers!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Update: Jewish pirates

Tonight on South Park, Kyle and Cartman had a discussion about Jewish pirates... or lack there of.

Hmmmm... it's almost like we had this conversation before.

Profile: Roman Polanski

Polanski married in Emmanuelle Singer in 1989. He was 56. She was 23. Which is better than 13, but...

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Monday, April 20, 2009

Profile: Amanda Bynes

From The Office:

Kelly: Who's Bob Hope?
Michael: God. He's a comedian.
Kelly: Oh, like Amanda Bynes.
Michael: Who's Amanda Bynes?
Kelly: She's from "What A Girl Wants".
Michael; Oh, I love that movie. Yes, Kelly is right. The person to replace me has to have a great sense of humor and they have to possess the leadership qualities of a Bynes or a Hope.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Profile: Amy Fisher

How big was this story? There were two made-for-TV Amy Fisher movies playing on major networks at the same time! And a third one the previous week.

One of these movies starred Alyssa Milano as Amy, the other Drew Barrymore, the third... wait, did someone say Alyssa Milano?

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Profile: Larry Ellison

From Wikipedia:
"Ellison styled his estimated $200 million Woodside, California estate after feudal Japanese architecture, complete with a man-made 2.3-acre lake and the most extensive seismic retrofit available with current technology. His entertainment system cost $1 million, and included a rock concert-sized video projector at one end of a drained swimming pool and turned the gaping hole into a giant subwoofer."

As. If.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Profile: Bruce Wayne

We've now covered, Bruce, the Penguin, Harley Quinn and Batwoman.

That's a lot of time spent in one fictional universe (second place goes to The X-Men), especially when it's Superman who's supposed to be the Jewish allegory.

At this point, we've written more about Batman than Bob Kane! (Get it? Cause Bob Kane didn't actually do any of his own work.....? Oh, whatever.)

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Update: Ian Kinsler's historic night

Our semi-Jewish second baseman had a pretty good game last night: He went 6-for-6 and hit for the cycle (single, double, triple, home run) in the process. According to ESPN, he's only the third player in major league baseball to accomplish that feat (6-for-6 and a cycle).

And here we thought Ryan Braun was going to be our baseball messiah....

Profile: Nathan Lane

He might not be Jewish, but Nathan Lane DID change his name... from "Joseph Lane". Go figure.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Profile: Franz Kafka

I have read a lot of Nabokov... Why can't we profile Nabokov?

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Profile: Alan Rickman

Recent additions to our profiled actors/roles list:

Rickman and Severus Snape
David Duchovny and Fox Mulder

Thanks to reader Anne from New York for the suggestion.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Settling the Score: Slash

Oh, Internet, you fooled us this time. Slash of Guns N' Roses, often listed as half-Jewish, is not. I guess when your real name is Saul, people just assume...

We asked SLASH's spouse if SLASH was in fact Jewish, and she told us no. Not that SLASH has any problem with people pegging him as Jewish; but for accuracy, he is not. An Old Testament name is now always indicative of a particular faith.[1]

The profile has been fixed.

Thank you, Jesse from Brooklyn, for the correction!

Jews in the News: Colby and Zack Cohen

Those of us who love to watch college hockey (currently listed as an endangered species by the WWF) were treated to a heck of a championship game Saturday night, with the Boston Jewniversity Terriers taking down Miami (of Ohio, don't freak out about tropical hockey) in the finals, 4-3.

I won't do the whole game story thing, that's here, but with a minute to go in the last period, BU was losing 3-1. A minute later, tie game. Then BU put it away in overtime. Good times. Those last 3 goal scorers were, in order, Zack Cohen, Nick Bonino, and Colby Cohen.

Now the key question (because otherwise this is just an excuse for me to bask in my alma mater's hockey glory), are two of those goal scorers Jews? Are they even related?

I have no idea. Colby Cohen is admittedly dubious, what with the Colby and all. I'm a little less willing to dismiss Zack, though. And really, just the act of playing hockey makes me skeptical. The always reliable Interwebs are mum—frankly, I'm stumped. If anyone knows please let me know, but for now...well...after Saturday night, you can probably guess where I'm leaning...

Profile: Carl Sagan

This profile was inspired by the following Sagan quote:

"The idea that God is an oversized white male with a flowing beard, who sits in the sky and tallies the fall of every sparrow is ludicrous. But if by 'God' one means the set of physical laws that govern the universe, then clearly there is such a God. This God is emotionally unsatisfying ... it does not make much sense to pray to the law of gravity."

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Profile: Helmut Schmidt

Thanks to multiple-time suggester Phil from Germany for this one. Honestly, someone with Jewish blood... in charge of Germany? Who would have guessed???

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Profile: Gustav Mahler

Another musical genre missing from our profiles: Christian Rock. As if.

Mahler was suggested by reader Rafael from Rio de Janeiro.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Profile: Toby Flenderson

Here is Dunder-Mifflin Scranton branch org chart, and here is the Toby box:

Thanks to multiple-time suggester Alexandra from Michigan for setting us up with the perfect verdict.

Oh, and Jan LEVINSON? Sadly, a Jew as well.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Profile: Moses

A special treat for Passover!

Now excuse me while I fill up on macaroons...

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Profile: Michael Landon

Thanks to Moishe (great name, btw) from La Jolla for the suggestion. Angel, cowboy, frontiersman, Jew? Apparently...

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Profile: Big Bad Wolf

An astute reader might ask, how come our profile talks of Big Bad Wolf as a Jew, but he is given a low Jew Score and a "Borderline" rating? Well, perhaps the Wolf in Disney's version of "Three Little Pigs" is a Jew, but "Red Riding Hood"? Unlikely. Jews don't eat grandmas.

One other thing... In that Disney cartoon, "one sequence, which showed the Big Bad Wolf dressing up as a caricature of a Jewish peddler, was excised from the film after its release". So there's that.

Monday, April 6, 2009

JONJ Recommends: Adventureland

Had the chance to catch Adventureland over the weekend and enjoyed it quite a bit, actually. If you go in expecting Superbad you'll be disappointed--Dazed and Confused is a closer correlation-- but overall it's a fun film that makes you wish you were young again and at the same time makes you really happy you're not.

More important is this celluloid confection's surprisingly Jew-y filling. Both the best friend (Joel, played by Martin Starr) and the love interest (Em Lewin, played by Kristen Stewart) are Jews and quite likable characters at that. The Lewin character, in particular, is a pleasant revelation because her Judaism isn't played for laughs or even really for plot. The character is simply Jewish because, well, that's who the character is.

A sweet surprise in what turned out to be a fairly sweet movie.

JONJ Rating: 4 / 5.

Profile: Yoda

Here's the image that inspired this profile, provided by the redoubtable Moishe, natch.

In truth, I swore I would never write this profile. I just didn't think it was all that interesting. Then I was walking home from work one day and a voice in my head cried out, "We're coming to you LIVE from the swamps of Dagobah..."

And in that moment I knew what was to come.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Profile: Samuel Pallache

Two people to thank for this profile: Yakov's father, whose response to Jean Lafitte was the "not end well" line, and Matt from Missouri, who tipped us off about Pallache.

Other Jewish pirates of note: Moses Henriques and Sinan "The Great Jew". We can almost form an entire crew.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Profile: Sid Meier

For those of you who don't know (aka, people with lives), Sid Meier is the creator of such video game classics as Sid Meier's Civilization, Sid Meier's Colonization, Sid Meier's Pirates!, and Sid Meier's Bowel Obstruction.

(OK, the last one is fake, but he really does have his name in front of every title he works on. Y'know, maybe that's a good idea: Yakov and Moishe's Yeah, that's the ticket....)

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Oh, those meshuggenah... Jews?!

Our local supermarket gives out a pamphlet for Passover. It's full of useful coupons for those who like gefilte fish and macaroons, as well as a short summary of instructions detailing how to prepare for the holiday. The paragraph about getting rid of chametz (bread) ends with the following beauty:

On the morning of Passover, we burn all the chametz that was found during the search, and anything that was left over from breakfast not stored with the chametz that will be sold to the non-Jew.

"Non-Jew"? Come on, unknown pamphlet writer. "Gentiles". "Goyim". Or, how about just "sold to those who are not Jewish"?


Oh, those meshuggenah... Jews?!

Profle: Jeffrey Tambor

If memory serves me right, Hank Kingsley referred to himself as "Hebrew". Yep, they did a whole episode about it.

"My Name is Asher Kingsley":
Hank's decision to re-embrace Judaism throws the office and the network into a tizzy. Larry worries that someone has been sitting in his new massaging recliner.


Weird Search: April 2

This is gonna be the last Weird Search for a while. They might come back one day, they might not... Still, the following is a good note to go out on.


Not a Jew.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Profile: ALF

The discussion of exactly who gets to take over JONJ for a day was a long and heated one. Germans were quickly tossed out... We debated Italians, Canadians, Robots, Swedes, Muppets, and Australians, before figuring out the perfect match.

Weird Search: April 1

George Clooney.

Not a Jew.

See Brad Pitt.