Oh those meshuggenah... Jews?!

As seen at my local Wegman's.

(Sorry for the poor focus, was trying to quickly take a picture whilst entertaining a 3-year old and not creep out the store employees/patrons)

Forget it Jake, it's Kosherland...

Judaism (any religion really, but especially Judaism due to the laws prohibiting proselytizing) should not be treated as a product to be marketed. It is a belief system. You don't just "brand" Judaism in order to attract membership. One should not evaluate a religion based on how attractive it is to a target audience. It's stupid. It should never be done. Ever.

But that said, how dumb is KosherLand?

Most kids—goyishe kids—get Candy Land, a game in which they traipse through a magical world of gumdrop mountains, lollipop woods, and chocolate swamps (it used to be molasses, but the modern child apparently has no idea what molasses is).

KosherLand? Look out little Moishe or you'll mix milk and meat! Oooo, lucky you little Sarah, you get to visit Kosher Town! Great job little Eli, you ate matzah on Passover!

Yeah it's a frickin' party. Look, we love our religion (if that's not clear from over 1400 profiles there's really no proving it), but there's just no getting around the fact that KosherLand—educational though it may be—puts the bored in board games.

We're supposed to be making kids excited about the faith, not rubbing the tenth commandment in their faces—sticking them with dreck while their Christian counterparts get to play with candy.

Like I said, it's a religion, not a marketing campaign but....I mean, can't we at least try to make it look not completely crappy?

Oh, those meshuggenah... Jedi?!

According to the most recent census in the Czech Republic, there are currently 15,000 (or so) Jedi living there. Yup, when entering their religion for the census, 15,000 Czechs answered with a fictional philosophy that isn't even really a religion. They might as well have put down Autobot or My Little Pony or "I am a huge tool wasting precious food and oxygen that could be used by actual, useful human beings.

Oh, and for the record, there are but 3000 Czechs who identify themselves as Jews. Y'know, a real religion. That's 1/5 of the people who listed fucktard, er, Jedi.

Oh those meshuggenah... Jedi?!

Oh, those meshuggenah goyim! Trucks

So I'm driving home from work yesterday, and I see... THIS:



Not only is there huge signage on the side, but also on the back, on the cabin, and on the front.

Turns out that the truck is from a shipping company Sam Kholi Transport, whose website says the following:

Our main focus at Sam Kholi transport is To present to the world that Jesus Christ is lord not a swear word.

If you notice on our trailers you will see the name of Jesus Christ. Our heart yearns for the world to know that Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior. Hollywood has portrayed a different image, an image that portrays Jesus Christ as trash as a bad word. The Most Holy, the Most Majestic created our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and our mission is to use trucking to spread the word to America and God willing all the way to England.

I'm glad with their main focus is not delivery of goods (bibles? holy water? community wafers?) safe and on time, but rather spreading the gospel.

Five minutes after seeing the truck, I was almost ran off the road by a psycho SUV. My first thought? "Jesus f@#$ing Christ". Now I wonder if that would have been my first thought if I hadn't seen that truck...

Oh, those meshuggenah goyim! It's a small, small, small, small world

Maybe this isn't the right place for this, but I feel the need to go rant for a little and this is my platform. If this kind of thing isn't your speed go ahead and scroll down to the Genie or whoever. No hard feelings. But when you feel the need to shout, well, you tend to choose the place you can shout the loudest and this is the best I've got. Sorry folks. This is gonna get a little involved...

There is a rumor out there that Walt Disney was an anti-semite. It's been passed around enough at this point that I'm pretty sure it's accepted as fact now.

It's not true.

I'm not sure how this happened. I've often ascribed this to a case of mistaken identity--the person I think the public is thinking about is Henry Ford. Ford was a contemporary of Disney's and Ford was a RABID anti-semite and nazi supporter. Just an awful human being. So maybe people get them confused?

But the current media seems to go beyond that. Family Guy, in particular has made it a leitmotif (to whip out a big word) that Disney (and by association, the entire corporation) hated Jews, supported Nazi Germany, et al. and I find it hard to believe that the creators of that show are really thinking of Henry Ford. Rather, they must be misinformed some other way, or they're just doing it because they think it's funny to smear people. Tough to say really.

So here's the reality. Evidence that Disney was an anti-semite is slim to none. At the same time Ford was decrying Roosevelt for attacking our Nazi superiors, Disney shut down his whole studio to make animated educational films for the US Armed Forces. Training people to fight Nazis is not the M.O. of a swastica-saluting-semite-hater.

He never said anything anti-semitic that we can find. He was a member of a club that did have some anti-semitic members, but it's unclear if he agreed with them or even knew them. At the time, it was rather gauche to hate Jews. Frankly it's hard to find anyone on Earth who didn't associate with anti-semites in one way or another (even the Japanese joined in, which is pretty funny since it's fairly clear they didn't even know what a Jew was). Many people point to Disney's idea of an "ideal commune" (what eventually led to the creation of EPCOT and later, Independence, FL). But this was more 70s idealism (thus the association with the pristine-in-hindsight 1950s) than facist elitism.

So, no, Disney was almost certainly not anti-semitic. But....

OK, so I was in Disney World last week for a vacation with Mrs. Yakov. A good time was had by all. Really. I genuinely like the place. And if you can go to the Magic Kingdom and not get goosebumps then you're not just a downer, you're a corpse.

Still, I couldn't help but notice how GOYISHE it was. Actually, that's not even accurate. How CHRISTIAN it was. Ever theme park has a Mickey's Christmas store. You can get any character dressed as Santa. As a Christmas tree ornament. Singing a jaunty Christmas tune. Can we got one MF-ing Mickey with a yarmulke?! That would be a negatory.

Here's my thing--I happen to see religion as a personal thing. Your relationship with G-d is between you and G-d, and I'd like to think that the Almighty isn't really into all the PDA. I don't care what you celebrate, just don't celebrate it on my yard. Christmas lights that you can see from the highway, bumper stickers that tell me how much Jesus loves me, any of that stuff I find to be in poor taste. Goyim, don't feel like I'm picking on you. I hate the giant menorahs and chanukah bushes just as much.

So, yeah, if I had my way, Disney World wouldn't have any of that stuff. But they do. If you're Hindu, Islamic, or Jewish you are out of luck my friend. No Mickey with a chai. No Israel in the World Showcase.

One of the things that Disney World does so well is it transports you to another place. You never think of yourself in Florida. You're in a magical land with castles and characters and honest-to-goodness magic. And for some reason, it is also a magical land with no Jews.

And that bothers me. A lot.

Oh, those meshuggenah goyim! The Church as a Book Critic

Since I'm a sucker for allegories, I read José Saramago's Nobel-winning novel "The Gospel According to Jesus Christ". It's not bad at all, if you get past all the "Son of God" mumbo-jumbo, which, with this topic, is obviously hard. I prefer Christopher Moore's "Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal", but...

No, I'm not gonna downplay it. I liked Saramago's book. Obviously, I read it in translation, but it was excellent. Not to give any spoilers away, but, while it stays true to the New Testament (as far as I can tell, obviously the New Testament is not my strong suit), its interpretation of Jesus' life is not exactly... traditional. Which makes the book.

But you know who didn't like the book? The Catholic Church. (Surprised? Of course not!) The Church accused the novel to be a "substantially anti-religious vision". Which is... well, short-sighted.

See, this is what separates us Jews from the goyim. To us, the Bible is always open to interpretation. It's not black and white. We Jews have spent centuries trying to find different meanings in those words. The goyim? It's the word of God. End of story.

But is it? Really? Seriously, goyim, read your New Testament. Aren't there large gaps in Jesus' life? Couldn't those gaps be filled with Saramago's interpretation? Shouldn't you use your brain to think and not just fanatically believe whatever "the good book" tells you?

Besides, it's literature. FICTION. Lighten up.

Oh, those meshuggenah goyim!

Oh, those meshuggenah goyim! Jesus Hats

It's snowing here in Jersey, which means that everyone drives 15 mph and the usual 20 minute commute takes an hour. And it also means that in front of my office building, I was greeted by a man sweeping the sidewalk, who was wearing something like this:



I tried to avoid eye contact.

Oh, those meshuggenah goyim!

Oh, those meshuggenah goyim! Chia Obama

So I turned on the TV yesterday (not late at night, mind you, and to a network channel, and a New York network channel at that), and what did I see?

A commercial for THIS:



What better way to celebrate the president than by buying your own... Obama Chia Pet? Really? Can you grow one? Yes you can! Seriously? No, seriously?

Why "goyim"? Well, we're pretty sure no Jew would ever, ever, ever buy this... thing.

I wonder if there was one made for George W. Bush...

Oh, those meshuggenah goyim!

Oh, those meshuggenah goyim! Christmas Photos

We were gonna wait until Christmas to post this... but we can't hold out for that long.


Further words are not necessary.

Oh, those meshuggenah goyim!

Oh, those meshuggenah... Jews?!

Our local supermarket gives out a pamphlet for Passover. It's full of useful coupons for those who like gefilte fish and macaroons, as well as a short summary of instructions detailing how to prepare for the holiday. The paragraph about getting rid of chametz (bread) ends with the following beauty:

On the morning of Passover, we burn all the chametz that was found during the search, and anything that was left over from breakfast not stored with the chametz that will be sold to the non-Jew.

"Non-Jew"? Come on, unknown pamphlet writer. "Gentiles". "Goyim". Or, how about just "sold to those who are not Jewish"?

Sigh.

Oh, those meshuggenah... Jews?!

Oh, those meshuggenah goyim! Hospitals

So, Mrs. Yakov is interviewing for a marketing job at a local hospital who shall remain nameless. Being a good interviewee, she asks them about some of the problems they're currently facing.

Well, they say, we're in such a large Jewish community (and believe me, they are), yet we're unable to attract very many Jews to our hospital.

Really? You don't say. Perhaps it's that you're sponsored by the Catholic church (with a super-Catholic name, no less). Or that your building is covered in crosses. Or maybe it's the colossus-sized 3-dimensional recreation of the bleeding-heart Jesus (pictured above) in your lobby. Maybe? You think?

No, you're right, I'm sure it's just a weird coincidence.

Oh, those meshuggenah goyim!

Oh, those meshuggenah... Jews?!

We get hate mail sometimes. Shocker, I know. Picture the most likely responses to a site such as ours and, pretty much, those are the ones we get. Personally, I consider it the price of doing business.

Anyway, one running theme is when we pick on people for pushing their Christianity (Say, Kurt Warner, to name a completely hypothetical person we've received a letter about), we get angry letters. "You wouldn't beat up on Jews for that," they snarl (usually with more typos than I'm willing to abide in my own writing).

And that's the thing, actually, we would. We do. One of the big things about Judaism that people from other, more missionary driven religions don't seem to understand is that we don't sell our religion. Ever. Advertising is verboten (which is surprising considering how many of us are actually IN advertising).

So when I was listening to the radio yesterday morning and heard the National Jewish Outreach Program's ad for Shabbat Across America, I didn't celebrate. I cringed.

We're Jews and part of that means we don't treat our faith like the religious equivalent of a Toyotathon. Our relationship with G-d is a private, personal thing. And just like any other personal relationship, we don't go around broadcasting it to millions of people, inviting them to join in.

And we certainly don't write a motherf***ing theme song about it.

Oh, those meshuggenah... Jews?!

Oh, those meshugenah goyim! Crucifixes

Sometimes, when visiting the in-laws (a day I always look forward to), I take the backroads. The drive is more scenic. There's a low speed limit. Golf courses, mansions. Swamps. Cows. Geese.

And THE CRUCIFIX.

Yep, that's it in the photo. It's f@#$ing HUGE. At least 20 feet tall. And it just stands there on the side on the road. And it's f@#$ing SCARY. Makes me want to drive away as fast as I can. But there's a low speed limit.

And, to borrow from an author whose name escapes me at the moment... If Jesus does come back to earth, would he like to see... THAT?

Oh, those meshugenah goyim!

Oh, those meshuggenah... Jews?!

I was in Atlantic City this past Saturday, feeding the poker monster (I call him Gamblor), when I saw a man standing at the bar wearing a yarmulke.

Seriously?

Who the heck is so observant that they HAVE to wear a yarmulke at all times, yet not observant enough so that they can have a drink in a casino on Shabbat?

Y'know what, bubbe? Pick one.

Oh, those meshuggenah... Jews?!

Oh, those meshugenah goyim! Kaká

Speaking of soccer...

This is Kaká. (The accent is on the last syllable. That's important.) He is one of the best soccer players in the world. And, as you can see, he belongs to Jesus.

Well, not entirely true. He belongs to the Italian club AC Milan, who just rejected a $150,000,000 bid for his contract by Manchester City. (NOT Manchester United. Think NY Mets, not NY Yankees.)

I wonder if he speaks English (by the looks of that t-shirt, he does). He and Kurt Warner sure seem that they would have A LOT to talk about.

Oh, those meshugenah goyim!

Oh, those meshugenah goyim! Kurt Warner

Believe it or not, not all of discussions between Yakov and myself are about Jews. Sometimes, be it infrequently, we talk about other things. For example, today we spent a good half hour discussing whether Kurt Warner belongs in the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

For those who don't know, Warner came out of nowhere (actually, from stocking shelves in a supermarket), to lead the St. Louis Rams to the Super Bowl title in 1999, winning the league MVP in the process. Two years later, another MVP, another Super Bowl (be it in a losing effort). And now, after a couple of years where everyone deemed him washed-up, he is on the brink of leading the Arizona Cardinals(!) to their first ever trip to the title game.

But since Warner's career has been pretty short and his totals don't compare too favorably to other Hall of Famers, Yakov argues that he doesn't necessarily belong in the Hall. I say that two MVPs and a Super Bowl title, and some of the best averages in league history, do. It's not his fault he career started late. So we go back and forth for a while on this topic. It gets pretty heated. Some chairs are thrown.

And then I realize... why am I try so hard to defend Warner? This is a man who has a "personal relationship" with Jesus. This is a man who says, "Jesus changed my life, and he can change yours too" and "when I throw a touchdown pass, my thoughts are on how I can use this success on the field as a platform to glorify and praise my Lord Jesus Christ."

Brrrr. I change my vote. No Hall of Fame for you, Kurt.

Oh, and after your attempt to draw God... please, please, please, just stick to football.

Oh, those meshugenah goyim!

Oh, those meshugenah goyim! Narnia

Speaking of born-again Christians...

"The Chronicles of Narnia" was on TV the other night, so I decided to watch. I knew there were some Christian overtones, but figured to give it a shot just to see what all the hoopla is about. Besides, nothing else was on.

So the first hour and a half goes by, and it's not too bad. Nothing great, a bit slow-moving, talking gophers, etc. Some nice cinematography. A bit childish, but what did I expect. There is at least an attempt at a story.

And then the lion dies.

Jesus f@#$ing Christ.

Oops, I just gave it away.

Can we just have an attempt at subtlety, C.S. Lewis or Disney? No, we get beat on the head with it again and again and again. And after reading the summary of the rest of the series, it gets even worse...

I guess we'll stick with "Lord of the Rings". Although I got some issues with that one as well...

Oh, those meshugenah goyim!

Oh, those meshugenah goyim! Christmas Cards

So I'm sitting at work, killing time before my end-of-the-year vacation. And surprise! I get a Christmas card. At work. From a former co-worker. Not one I was particularly close with. I guess we talked a couple of times. Turns out she sent a card to a few people, and I was one of them.

A nice thought, sure. Share the merriment. But... what the hell do I do with that card? Do I display it proudly on my desk? No. That doesn't exactly go along with my Grinchy persona. Besides... the card is so garish. Seriously, goyim. I understand you love your holiday, but is it too much to ask for something tasteful?

Now, I bet this poor woman spent a lot of time picking the card. She probably browsed through hundreds of these, picking the right one for each of her former co-workers. And who am I to complain about a thoughtful gesture?

But seriously, what do I do with a hideous Christmas card?

So I did the only thing I could do. I put it in the trash can.

Oh, those meshugenah goyim!

Oh, those meshugenah goyim! Names

I was in the post office today, and, of course, seeing how Christmas is close, the line was loooooooooooong. In front of me there was a woman with two kids. She was carrying the baby, and the two-year girl was running around. "Patience," the woman screamed. "Patience!"

Sure, I thought, patience. I was getting impatient myself. I just needed to mail one letter and people in front of me were sending gingerbread cookies to Vanuatu. But then I realized... the woman wasn't asking for patience. Patience was her daughter's name.

Ugh. Just ugh.

We discussed the goyim's inability to come up with first names in the Robert Downey Jr. profile, but the lack of creativity we talk about there is just one end of the spectrum. On the other, there is the supposed creativity. Witness Sarah Palin's Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper and Trig. Patience is up there as well... It might not be as bad as Track or Trig, but... imagine if the woman ever needs to ask her daughter to hurry up.

The worst, however, is Nevaeh. You've never heard it? Well, that's probably because you're Jewish. It's currently one of the most popular names in the country. And it's origin? Well, if you can't figure it out, we'll let Namipedia explain it.

Oh, those meshugenah goyim!