Monday, January 21, 2013

Super Bowl Sunday: The Jewish Choice

As of Sunday, the Super Bowl teams are set, leaving us with just one question before the big game: Who to root for?

Obviously, if you're a Ravens or 49ers fan, the choice has been made for you. But what about the rest of us? Who should we as Jews put our significant psychological strength behind? Well don't worry, your football friends at JONJ have you well shmeared.

Let's break it down:

Jew-iest City
Baltimore, with 95,000 Jews, is tied with Montreal for the 20th-most Jewish city in the world. Not bad.
San Francisco? 13th. 210,000 resident Hebrews—more than some cities in Israel.
Niners in a landslide.
Nothing, nada, zip, zipperoonio.
Look, if you’re rooting for teams based on the number of Jewish players you’ve got bigger issues.
Art Modell, now deceased, was Jewish. He was also a despicable slime bag, unable to even fly over the state of Ohio
At least the Ravens have a Jewish, despicable, slime bag.
Signature Food
Crab. Not Kosher
Rice-a…Just kidding. Probably sourdough bread. Either that or Dim Sum.
If you think it’s sourdough, SF wins by a little, just because at least a good Jew can eat it. If you think it’s Dim Sum, SF wins by a lot.
Celebrity Fan
Michael Phelps, Not a Jew
Robin Williams, Not a Jew
Push. Basically at this point we just thank Hashem Atlanta didn’t win because then we’d be stuck with, ugh, Justin Bieber.
The last time the Ravens made the Super Bowl, they crushed my beloved Giants, starting a tailspin year where my Devils AND my Yankees also lost in their respective league finals. My totally objective opinion on the Ravens franchise? They can go fuck themselves.
Waaaaaay back on 12/3, I predicted SF to win the Super Bowl in this very blog. And if you don’t think I wrote this whole post just to point that out, you don’t know me all that well.
You’re kidding, right?

So there ya have it. We've determined that if you're Jewish, you should be rooting for the San Francisco 49ers to win the Super Bowl. And we did it in a totally rational, scientific way.

So let's go Niners! Once you have the Jews on your side, you can't lose! (now that we think about this maybe we should have pushed for the Ravens....)


  1. Actually, you could argue that the 49ers -- with John Frank and then Harris Barton -- have the most high-profile Jewish players in the last quarter century. Of course, there's not a lot of competition, but I think they beat the Ravens hands-down in that category.

  2. Ray Lewis is a major Jesus freak, and we should not root for his chance to deliver another post-game sermon. Really, nobody should.

    There is always danger of Colin Kaepernick doing the same, of course (he can just read straight from his tattoos), but at least he didn't kill anyone.