Saturday, January 31, 2009

Profile: Victor Borge

Thanks to readers Marcelle for New York, Stuart from Wisconsin, and Blair from New York for the suggestion... And to the other readers who've suggested other Danes, as well.

Weird Search: January 31

Harry Potter.

Not a Jew.

But what about Professor Snape? The actor who plays Harry in the movies, Daniel Radcliffe?

Friday, January 30, 2009

Profile: Ozzy Osbourne

On one day about a month ago, two separate readers, Pamela from North Carolina and Dee from Toronto, requested us to profile Ozzy. We are happy to finally oblige.

Weird Search: January 30

Human (ears or otherwise): Not Kosher.

Mike Tyson.

Not a Jew.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Profile: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Just last week, Ahmadinejad was our "Weird Search of the Day". Then, this comes out. How could we have ever guessed what the Ayatollah's family is thinking?

We still think it's silly.

Weird Search: January 29

Tiger Woods.

Not a Jew.

Oh, there are black Jews... But Jewish golfers are pretty hard to find.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Profile: Oliver Stone

Still haven't seen "W." Somehow, Elizabeth Banks as Laura Bush doesn't do it for me... As opposed to, Elizabeth Banks... ummm.... yeah.

Weird Search: January 28

Al Pacino.

Not a Jew.

But what about Robert De Niro?

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Profile: Zach Braff

Today's profile, Zach Braff, (not Zach Efron as Moishe keeps Freudian slipping) comes to us via Alexandra from Michigan and her son (pssst: you lose, kid).

Sometimes Moishe and I go into these reveries where we wonder if anyone actually reads their own posts. Here's hoping Zach misses this one, cause he seems the type to take it personally. If that happens, well, it's been nice blogging with you all...

Weird Search: January 27

Brett Favre.

Not a Jew.

Did you know? His middle name is Lorenzo. Yeah, seriously, not a Jew.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Oh, those meshuggenah... Jews?!

I was in Atlantic City this past Saturday, feeding the poker monster (I call him Gamblor), when I saw a man standing at the bar wearing a yarmulke.


Who the heck is so observant that they HAVE to wear a yarmulke at all times, yet not observant enough so that they can have a drink in a casino on Shabbat?

Y'know what, bubbe? Pick one.

Oh, those meshuggenah... Jews?!

Profile: Jon Lovitz

The exclusive group of profiled actors and fictional characters they've portrayed:
  • Jon Lovitz: Jay Sherman and the Devil
  • Jason Alexander: George Costanza and Max Bialystock
  • Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Elaine Benes
  • Billy Crystal: Miracle Max
  • Michael Caine: Scrooge (Muppet Christmas Carol!)
  • Ben Kingsley: Fagin
  • Dustin Diamond: Screech (ugh)

    And this is not including actors who portrayed real-life characters such as Kingsley/Gandhi, Robert Downey Jr./Charlie Chaplin, Mel Brooks/Torquemada(!), etc.
  • Weird Search: January 26

    LeBron James.

    Not a Jew.

    Now, I realize we just profiled Kobe Bryant... But if LeBron ever says he might not mind being Jewish, consider this weird search revoked. Until then, however...

    Sunday, January 25, 2009

    Profile: Bernard Madoff

    Yeah... no Jewish Robin Hood, but we do have the Robin Hood of Poker!

    Thanks to reader Doug from Sacramento for the suggestion.

    Weird Search: January 25

    James Gandolfini.

    Not a Jew.

    What about his TV daughter, however?

    Saturday, January 24, 2009

    Profile: Shalom Harlow

    The above profile is roughly 75 words, yet it took me over a month to write it.

    And people wonder why so many writers commit suicide....

    Weird Search: January 24

    Here's a tip, searchers: an O' in front of a last name is a sign of someone Irish, not Jewish.

    Ed O'Neill.

    Not a Jew.

    Friday, January 23, 2009

    Profile: Daniel Craig

    Just for the record: Sean Connery, George Lazenby, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton and Pierce Brosnan are not Jews.

    Meh. What do we care? We've got the real one.

    Weird Search: January 23

    Weird Search revoked: July 2, 2009.

    Michael Jackson.

    Not a Jew.

    If he was...

    The horror. The horror.

    Thursday, January 22, 2009

    Oh, those meshugenah goyim! Kaká

    Speaking of soccer...

    This is Kaká. (The accent is on the last syllable. That's important.) He is one of the best soccer players in the world. And, as you can see, he belongs to Jesus.

    Well, not entirely true. He belongs to the Italian club AC Milan, who just rejected a $150,000,000 bid for his contract by Manchester City. (NOT Manchester United. Think NY Mets, not NY Yankees.)

    I wonder if he speaks English (by the looks of that t-shirt, he does). He and Kurt Warner sure seem that they would have A LOT to talk about.

    Oh, those meshugenah goyim!

    Profile: Alan Rothenberg

    My original plan for this one was to go even deeper, listing random trophies like the Venus Rosewater Dish (given to the women's champion at Wimbledon) and the Gray Cup (given to the winning team in the Canadian Football League) before getting to MLS. Y'know, just to get Moishe's goat.

    But then the post got too long and I had to let it go. Oh well. I'm sure I'll find a new way to pick on Moishe and his sad, sad soccer league soon enough.

    Weird Search: January 22

    You know what movie REALLY sucks? "Armageddon". And "Pearl Harbor". And...

    Ben Affleck.

    Not a Jew.

    Wednesday, January 21, 2009

    Profile: Michelle Obama

    We were so busy trying to find something, anything, that links Barack Obama to Judaism, that we missed this obvious connection. Thanks to Nason from Ohio for pointing it out!

    Weird Search: January 21

    Who else could have been yesterday's top search?

    Barack Obama.

    Not a Jew.

    Not a Muslim either, BTW.

    Tuesday, January 20, 2009

    Profile: Michael Bloomberg

    Thanks to reader Elaine from Queens for suggesting her mayor. He has been sitting in our queue for a while; sometimes all we need is a reader to push us that final step.

    Weird Search: January 20

    Weird Search revoked: January 29, 2009. But we still think it's silly.

    This one is just silly.

    Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

    Not a Jew.

    Monday, January 19, 2009

    Profile: Kang and Kodos

    Perhaps one day we will make (but don't bet on it). If we ever do, Kodos will be one of the first profiles. You see, in one of the episodes, Kang refers to Kodos as his sister. In other episodes, Kodos is referred to as male.

    Maybe the concepts of religion and gender are a bit different on Rigel VII than on Earth?

    Who are we to say?

    Weird Search: January 19

    It's the NFL Conference Championship games, and with the Steelers playing, we get our horde of Ben Roethlisberger inquiries. With them, come some football-related searches. Such as this one.

    Joe Montana.

    Not a Jew.

    Sunday, January 18, 2009

    Profile: Kobe Bryant

    The idea for this profile came from a story by the humorous sports savants at Deadspin. I happen to agree with them that Kobe probably didn't understand the question...

    Weird Search: January 18

    Saddam Hussein.

    Obviously, not a Jew.

    However, Jerry Haleva is. How is Jerry Haleva? Read the profile...

    Saturday, January 17, 2009

    Profile: Ayn Rand

    I first mentioned it in the Leopold Bloom profile, but I hate hate hate that 100 Best Novels list. And the readers' list is even worse.

    Weird Search: January 17

    Jon Bon Jovi.

    Not a Jew.

    Now, if his name was Jon Ben Jovi... No, no, no. Still not a Jew.

    Friday, January 16, 2009

    Profile: Alexander Ovechkin

    Oh, Wikipedia, Wikipedia... That's not the last we've heard from you for sure. Thanks to reader Laynie from Washington, DC for alerting us.

    And, in case we weren't clear in the profile, here's another pic, where you clearly see Ovechkin wearing a cross. And to the right is his mother, also wearing a cross. You can see where he gets those lady-killer looks from.

    Weird Search: January 16

    Julia Roberts.

    Not a Jew.

    And honestly, how can anyone find her attractive? Those teeth. Yeeesh.

    Thursday, January 15, 2009

    Profile: Winnie-the-Pooh

    Having not read the above text, I can only guess at the twists and turns contained within its covers.

    I imagine it begins with Pooh finding a blood-stained dreidel in front of his home. Perturbed, he, Piglet, and Eeyore track the trail of blood and discover the body of a murdered rabbi, smothered in honey, near a river in the Hundred-Acre Wood. Pooh, correctly surmising that someone is trying to frame him, starts interviewing likely suspects. Owl is in prison for grand theft auto and Kanga is too whacked out on heroin to help him, but Roo seems to know more than he/she is letting on. After leaving Piglet to work Roo over, Pooh meets with a mysteriously somber Tigger who tells him that "something awful went down" and "the whole system is corrupt." After a series of red herrings, questionable alibis and a rousing chase scene involving a balloon and a pack of bees, Pooh discovers that the rabbi's grisly murder was just one of a series of despicable hate crimes by Christopher Robin, ably covered for by his patsy (and secret lover) Rabbit. Of course, in the end, Christopher Robin gets away with it by murdering the only witness and Pooh is left with nothing but to return to his home, snort honey, and wonder what's to come of this crazy, unjust world.

    On the other hand, the book may just be about the Pooh gang celebrating Chanukah. But I find that less likely since none of them are Jewish.

    Weird Search: January 15

    Tupac Shakur.

    Not a Jew.

    Well, duh.

    Wednesday, January 14, 2009

    Oh, those meshugenah goyim! Kurt Warner

    Believe it or not, not all of discussions between Yakov and myself are about Jews. Sometimes, be it infrequently, we talk about other things. For example, today we spent a good half hour discussing whether Kurt Warner belongs in the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

    For those who don't know, Warner came out of nowhere (actually, from stocking shelves in a supermarket), to lead the St. Louis Rams to the Super Bowl title in 1999, winning the league MVP in the process. Two years later, another MVP, another Super Bowl (be it in a losing effort). And now, after a couple of years where everyone deemed him washed-up, he is on the brink of leading the Arizona Cardinals(!) to their first ever trip to the title game.

    But since Warner's career has been pretty short and his totals don't compare too favorably to other Hall of Famers, Yakov argues that he doesn't necessarily belong in the Hall. I say that two MVPs and a Super Bowl title, and some of the best averages in league history, do. It's not his fault he career started late. So we go back and forth for a while on this topic. It gets pretty heated. Some chairs are thrown.

    And then I realize... why am I try so hard to defend Warner? This is a man who has a "personal relationship" with Jesus. This is a man who says, "Jesus changed my life, and he can change yours too" and "when I throw a touchdown pass, my thoughts are on how I can use this success on the field as a platform to glorify and praise my Lord Jesus Christ."

    Brrrr. I change my vote. No Hall of Fame for you, Kurt.

    Oh, and after your attempt to draw God... please, please, please, just stick to football.

    Oh, those meshugenah goyim!

    Profile: Ben Kingsley

    What will Sir Ben be remembered for, playing Gandhi in "Gandhi", or Guru Tugginmypudha in "The Love Guru"?

    It's an open-ended question.

    Thanks to Norman from Toronto for the suggestion!

    Weird Search: January 14

    Kim Jong Il.

    Not a Jew.

    I will let Yakov tell this one:

    I was sitting at my desk at the old job and a guy I work with, someone who I've had perhaps 2 minutes of conversation with in total in the time we've worked together, plops down at my desk and says:

    "I was on the can and it suddenly occurred to me, Kim Jong Il would make a great Jedi name!"

    Ah... but not a Jewish name.

    Tuesday, January 13, 2009

    Profile: Don Draper

    It took Yakov a loooooooong time to get me to watch "Mad Men". Sometimes, I should be a little less stubborn. Sometimes.

    The series' creator, Matthew Weiner, is Jewish, BTW.

    Weird Search: January 13

    Walt Disney.

    Not a Jew.

    But was he an anti-semite? That's a question for another time...

    Monday, January 12, 2009

    Go Steelers?

    Yakov's Giants are out, so we will now turn our collective JONJ rooting interest to the Pittsburgh Steelers. Why? Well, yesterday we had one of the most-read days in JONJ history... People just need to know if Ben Roethlisberger is Jewish.

    You'd think people would wait until after the game or something.

    Profile: David Duchovny

    Tea Leoni: Not a Jew. Now that's a damn shame.

    Weird Search: January 12

    Jean-Claude Van Damme.

    Not a Jew.

    But is it OK to admit I've seen "Bloodsport" at least seven times?

    Sunday, January 11, 2009

    Profile: Joseph Heller

    Heller is great and everything, but this is the third profile where I mention, directly or indirectly, Kurt Vonnegut.

    Seriously... Can we make Kurt an honorary Jew or something?

    Weird Search: January 11


    Not a Jew.

    Well, we do have a quarter of David Beckham... As if.